We All Have People We'd like In Our Lives Forever, But How Can We Be Sure Those Relationships Will Survive The Ups And Downs?
Most of us are lucky enough to have people we want to grow old with or always have in our lives. Our partners, probably. Our parents, hopefully. Our brothers and sisters, almost certainly. And, if we're lucky, our best friends.
But no matter how much you love someone, you can't take it for granted that the relationship between you will survive. Things change (you do, they do, circumstances do) and it's easy to end up losing touch or falling out with people.. and regretting it.
Relationships, like people, are not fixed. They can change for the better, and unfortunately sometimes they get worse. But it's this that gives a relationship its richness and depth. It's what should make it worth fighting for.
*DEAL WITH CHANGE*
We find it easier to be around people whose lives are similar to our own, whether professionally or domestically. If something changes, say your sister divorces when you are married, or your best friend falls pregnant when you have no children, for example, it can be uncomfortable. To keep that person in your life, your are going to have to work a bit harder.
Or sometimes something happens that's nobody's fault, but which totally changes the dynamic between you, like your partner losing his job, or you becoming seriously ill. In a situation like that, nobody has done anything wrong, but you can feel powerless and start looking to blame someone. Hard as is might be, the only thing you can do is support each other.
*LIVE IN THE PRESENT*
It can be tempting to hark back to a 'golden age' when the relationship seemed better - but don't. Understand how things are now. In the same way, don't imagine your relationship will improve when you lose weight, have a baby or save up more money. Accept you can't change people or situations, you can only change the way you respond to them.
UNDERSTAND YOUR JEALOUSY
Jealousy is made up of a lot of emotions, including anger, fear, and insecurity. If, for example, your best friend has conceived when you've both been trying, this can create new emotions on both sides. You are likely to feel a bit less woman; she's likely to feel a sense of guilt mingled with her excitement. Do voice your feeling, but without being sulky or angry. Say something like..."I'm so pleased for you, really I am, but there's a part of me that's upset."
ADMIT WHEN THINGS AREN'T WORKING BETWEEN YOU.
Don't wait until one of you are packing your bags or throwing venomous accusations you can't take back. If you seem to be having the same argument over and over again, or the same niggling things are making you angry, try and resolve whatever the problem is, or it might drive you apart. One of the most useful tools is using the 'I' emotive expression rather than the 'You' accuratory expression when you try to talk things through. Say 'I feel...' rather than 'You always...'
WHEN YOU DO GET ANGRY
Ask yourself if it's justified. Are you really angry with this person or is it PMS or stress at work? Are you angry with one person and taking it out on someone else who you know will put up with it? If you think your anger is justified, then don't fall into the trap of closing down communication channels; thinking, 'I'm not going to call her' or 'He's the one who needs to apologise'. You may be in the right, but ask yourself if that's more important than saving the relationship. If someone close to you is angry with you, try to recognise why. If they have every right, then face up to it, apologise and ask what you can do to make things right between you.
